What’s your code word?
The importance of a special word within your relationship
Hello and happy Thursday! I hope your week is going smoothly and you have been able to soak in some joy this week. Today, I want to discuss something I’ve shared with a few friends, but not sure I have shared within my writing space. A friend I actually gave this tool to a while back, reached out to me this week telling me her and her husband used this tool, I thought what a perfect idea to share with all of my Substack readers!
This is a very simple tool and this post won’t be long, but when you feel like you really need this, it will be monumental in your relationship.
When my oldest was a baby, she really struggled with sleep. My husband and I had done some work prior to having her, but due to lack of sleep, life being flipped upside down, and just newness to parenting, we still had more work to do. I remember sitting up with her in the middle of the night just crying because I couldn’t get her to sleep and my husband traveled for work, so I always felt really bad waking him. Safe to say, I was struggling, my hubby didn’t know how to help me, and it felt like I was drowning at times. Morning time would come and I would feel resentful, he would feel guilty, and it just fed to this miss in connection.
As we navigated how to overcome a lot of this, one of the tools we gained is what we call a “code word.” I honestly have no clue where we got this tool, my husband thinks it was a podcast, I think it may have been a book, but regardless it has saved us so many times.
Here are the rules:
Choose a word - can be any random word, but it needs to be something you and your husband both know to be important when they see or hear it. If you aren’t sure what word to use, you can steal ours which is “Oklahoma” (at the time we were watching Ted Lasso haha).
Word is to be used only in emergencies - this is your I’m DYING and need help NOW, word. This is your middle of the night, I am freaking out, word. This is, I feel out of control, not sure what is going to happen next, word. This is, you have reached rock bottom word and need a break now, word.
As the partner, when you hear this word, you drop everything - emergency word was used, you go NOW. You’re at work, leave. You are out to dinner with friends, you leave. You are sleeping, you wake up THEN and go to help. The word is not meant to be used lightly, which means, when it is mentioned, you respond immediately.
Whomever said the word, leaves and walks away and whomever responded to the word, takes over, no questions asked.
That’s it. It is a very simple, but also very effective.
I think there are just moments when you feel so overwhelmed that you just need help and you don’t know what to do. You just know you need to get out and that is okay. This word has established a lot of trust for my husband and I because we both have used this, and we just get it. Neither of us take advantage of this word, which I think helps a lot and we both know the importance of it when it is said. I think this can be helpful not only if you have kids, but in any relationship where you lean on each other. Sometimes things happen and showing up and being present for each other when they need it most, builds so much trust and love in the relationship.
Xoxo,
Melissa